Malcolm Smalley

Duncan and I practically have our own language. I'm sure it's pretty frustrating for everyone else involved (did I say frustrating? I meant annoying) but that's what you get when you live in someone's pocket for six or so years.

For example, if something happens to be really gross I'd be like "Duncan, it was totally 'in the state of Denmark'." And he knows what I mean. I suppose that one's quite obvious, right? (Hamlet. Act I, Scene 4: Marcellus says "Something is rotten in the state of Denmark.") But there's loads of others. We could have our own phrase book.

So anyway, Duncan worked with this guy called Malcolm Smalley in Brighton I think. And from then on, for some reason, if ever Duncan and I want to refer to something as being on the small side of things we'll call it a Malcolm Smalley. For example, if Duncan were to tell me he'd eaten a cheese straw at work I'd be jealous because I love cheese straws (of course I do.) If then he wanted to make me feel better by telling me it was a bit small so not really worth it he'd say "don't worry, it was a bit of a Malcolm Smalley." You dig?

We try and remember not to use this sort of language in everyday life, but it becomes habit. So when I was working at Sugar opposite the very lovely Laura Macbeth and she'd chat about her brother Malcolm who lives in Sydney I'd be like "What? Malcolm Smalley?" Just because in my head, these two words naturally go together. So from then on Laura and I would refer to her brother as Malcolm Smalley. You can see where this is going can't you?

That's right. I've spent a good few years sat opposite Laura talking about this brother of hers in Sydney, Malcolm Smalley, and the other night we hooked up with him! It was rad. We'd exchanged numbers via Laura and agreed to meet in the Green Park bar, where we were drinking with Adam Williams (also of Sugar fame.) But because I had no idea what he looked like every time a guy came in to the bar and had a bit of a look around I stood up and waved. I approached four different boys that night (unlike me...) and none of them were Malcolm Smalley. Finally he arrived, bringing Laura's best friend from Scotland Pammy who I'd already met in London a while back. So yeah, see above - here we all are.

Had a few drinks, a bit of a chat and an "isn't Laura just the best?" kind of gush. He then asked me if at work we all used to call Laura 'Lozenge', as if it was an obvious adaptation of her name. I found it a bit confusing, she's always just been Laura or MacB to me. So I traded and told him about the Malcolm Smalley thing. He didn't really get it either. But it didn't really matter. We had fun all the same.