You'll find me in da club

Some guy has left a comment on this picture on my Flickr account saying that it looks crazy beautiful. It does, doesn't it? And it would have been, had we not have been staying in Club 18-30's hell.

After Koh Samui and living la Vida loca with the lovely Lady Boys we had a horrendous journey over to the island of Koh Pahgnan. Everything that could go wrong did go wrong and we nearly missed the boat. We didn't though. We managed to *just* make the rocky journey. And I managed to *just* make it to the bathroom to throw up when we got off on the island (it was projectile and through my nose too - first time ever - high five!)

So, we're here for the Full Moon party on the 2nd. Although I'm being a party pooper and don't really want to go. I'm so over going out these days. What's that all about? BUT we'd managed to book ahead and get the last 2 rooms at Coral Bungalows (apparently THE place to stay on the island, just a few minutes walk from the action) and the others are totally up for it, so I'm going along for the ride. YAY!





Coral Bungalows. It's got a pool. It's got an amazing bar and restaurant on it's own beach. It's got clean, private rooms with hot water. It's also got about a thousand townie yobs that I spend my whole life trying to avoid.

Don't get me wrong, I'm very happy for these people to enjoy themselves getting wasted 24 hours a day, being loud and obnoxious, having Chinese symbol tattoos etched on to their permanently semi-naked bodies and fornicating until the early hours of the morning in the pool (after the debauched pool party on Friday night - which I didn't attend - the pool was shut for 2 days as they scooped vomit and who knows what else from the water) just as long as they don't do it anywhere near me, thanks. It's one of the reasons I left Bournemouth and the soul reason I'd never go on a Club 18-30's holiday (we'll ignore the fact that after next year I won't even fit in to that age bracket.) Call me judgemental. Call me a snob. I really couldn't care less.



Anyway. Apart from the hideous people (who I'm sure are very nice people inside) and the fact that poor Duncan got tonsillitis and had to have a massive injection in his bum we're on a beautiful island for 4 days. And I got a jacket potato shaped like a silver swan. See, it's not all bad.

Dude looks like a lady

Lady Boys. We love them. And just as well because Thailand seems to be crawling with them. What's that all about? I'm all for someone being who they feel they want to, or need to be. But it seems that here there's so many. It must be quite a lucrative business. Anyways.

Darren, friend from London who we met up with in Bangkok - keep up, came to join us for the night on Koh Samui so we decided to make a bit of a night of it. Little did I know...

It started with drinks on the beach where Tom's current squeeze (a sweet Cambodian girl called Tick) bought us all blue shots:





It then continued at the local Lady Boy cabaret show which was UNREAL. The best gay (are they gay? WHAT ARE THEY?) cabaret show I've ever seen, and honey I've seen quite a few:









Then this happened (be warned, some viewers may find the following disturbing):



Yes, that's right. Tom and Duncan got up and joined in with the show and they were incredible. Let's take a look at that again (sorry Duncs, I couldn't not show them):





To say I was proud of them for getting up there is an understatement. They were both amazing. But to see Tom up there was super impressive. Until 2 weeks ago he was a self confessed homophobe and said that he'd feel uncomfortable going to such a show. How a few days with Sam and Duncan changes things! So yeah. Amazing. We laughed, drank and hung with the girls after the show:





Then, as if all that excitement wasn't enough, we headed in to town for a bit of a dance with the local gays at Male Box. Is it any wonder I've been single for years?

Koh Sam(ui)

According to the Lonely Planet, Koh Samui is much like "a beautiful woman who wears too much make-up." So Duncan cleverly re-named it "Koh Sam." Really darling, you should work in newspapers.

It was the next island on the list, so we headed there after saying goodbye to Dan and Sarah (see you in Essex, my lovelies.) It's a bigger island with roads and cars and stuff and I immediately hated it. A few hours later I loved it. Can we see a pattern emerging here? Someone doesn't like change.

Checked in to a wicked cheap, clean, fancy, guesthouse with AC. It's all about the AC these days. Eve and I had our own room to do girly stuff in (we hired a DVD player and watched Sex and the City) and the boys had the room next door to contain the testosterone.

Hired a jeep for the day and drove around the island checking out waterfalls, seeing elephants, photographing strange statues, picking up puppies, visiting a mumified monk (I'm not even kidding. He wears shades because his eyes melted away) and (the best bit) trawling the shops for fake designer knock offs. Yes people, we found them. Exactly what we were expecting in Bangkok. All here. On the island. Whatever designer knock off you want - you can get it. And man, are they good?

I couldn't afford it, but it would be rude not to come to Thailand and not get a bag right? So I got a beautiful real leather Mui Mui handbag for next to nothing. I know it's a goody because my beloved Sugar Fashion Stylist Charlotte Kewley sports a real one. That's right. Girls, look what you've done to me! I remember a day when I was more than happy with my rucksack that was held together with safety pins. Not anymore. I'm all about the (fake) labels. I make myself sick. But I look great, so that's all that matters.

Pure Shores

Everyone who's been to Thailand has seen The Beach. And those who have seen it ALWAYS claim the book's better (I hate people that always claim the book is better btw - if you know the book's bound to be better, don't bother watching the film. You make people like me who don't read and enjoy being spoonfed by a big Hollywood movie feel inadequate.) I haven't seen the film. Nor have I read the book. So I don't know which is *actually* better. Although my money's on the movie. Obvs.

Anyway, in the movie (see what I did there) Leonardo DiCaprio is doing a spot of travelling in Thailand like me and Duncs, when he gets told of this secret, paradise island. So he visits it. I'm not sure what happens next. And I don't really want to know because I do planning on watching it now I've been ON SET.





The beach that they used is on a small island just off Koh Phi Phi, so the six of us hired a boat for the day and did a spot of island hopping and snorkelling. And it was amaaaazing.





The water was clear, the sea life was close to that on the Great Barrier Reef and the sun was mighty hot. The sand on 'The Beach' was white and silky as you'd expect, although sadly there was loads of rubbish. But that aside we were spoilt with utter beauty all day. The boys even felt the need to jump off a rocky cliff edge. The girls didn't.

Poi-O-Pop Fever

Poi. I hate it. Sorry. Why do beautiful, romantic, deserted islands compel people to spin strings around their heads? And THEN light them with fire? It's attention seeking and you could have someone's eye out.



As expected, the beaches here are littered with people who are practising Poi. And they all look like idiots.

That said, the few that can really, really do it properly are amazing. Some of the kids on the island put on shows at night that, even to a Poi hater like myself, really are magical. So, here's an idea all you festival and beach Poi wannabes. Practise in your garden until you're as good as them. Only *then* do it in front of others. It's annoying.

Phi Phi

On our arrival to the island of Phi Phi I was moaning. The accommodation was grotty and expensive. The weather was horrendously hot - and then pouring with monsoon rain. And the sea was laced with tiny stingers that pinched at my fresh sunburn from the boat trip over (see above.) The whole place just didn't agree with my (who'd have guessed) pre-menstrual disposition.

After a few sharp email words from David Earl I opened my eyes and found myself pretty much in paradise. Koh Phi Phi is beautiful. No cars, stunning beaches and, perhaps the best bit, Dan and Sarah from Sydney.



Dan and Sarah are my favourite memory of our time in Sydney. They were the two core members of Crew 1702 and are the sweetest, blondest things you'll ever meet. So Duncan and I were pretty excited to learn that they were also on the island. We were even more excited to learn that *their* accommodation was FAR from shabby and involved a swimming pool. Get in. And that's just what we did.





So we caught up with them, had a fancy dinner on the sea front and then hit the buckets. If you know anything about Thailand you know about these buckets. They're a plastic bucket (gasp, no way!) with a bottle of whiskey, a can of coke and a couple of bottles of Thai Red Bull in it. Except the Redbull here gives you a lot more than wings. The stuff sends you completely loopy. It was brilliant. Until the next morning of course.

Feeling Krabi

Krabi. There's nothing to say about the town of Krabi really. Except you can be HILARIOUS and call it Crappy. We got a bus there, expecting to want to stay for a whole day, but on arrival all agreed that one night would be more than sufficient. It's dull, my friends. Unless you like rock climbing. Which I don't.

I did, however, meet an Alsatian named David Beckham at the tourist information place. Yes. That's right. Full name, David Beckham. Nickname, Ham. I think this was (easily) the highlight of my stay in Krabi.

Chang chang chang-it-ty chang shoo-bop

There's 2 Koh Chang islands in Thailand. One of them everybody goes to. The other, nobody goes to. Apparently the latter is a hidden gem according to a couple that Eve met, who made her promise not to tell too many people about it. Whoops.

So, with this information, we decided to head off, ignoring the normal backpacker route, and investigate.

It should have taken 10 hours from Bangkok. It took 21. So by the time we *eventually* got dropped off on a deserted bit of beach we were all hoping it was going to be worth it. We weren't disappointed.



There's NOTHING there. A few basic shacks on the beach which were as cheap as chips and a few hippies who seemed to have been marooned there for months. And then it's just you, the people you're with and the ocean. For this reason, if you're thinking of going, only consider it with people you won't end up killing and who you don't mind being very close to in a little hut on stilts. We stayed 2 nights. Any more and we may have ended up like the aforementioned.

The girly show

A nice Thai lady wrote these signs for us. Without using her hands. Mmmhmmm. That's right.

We felt we couldn't really let Bangkok pass us by without a visit to one of the infamous red light ping-pong shows. So we went. It was expensive to get in. It was expensive to have a drink. And in all honesty, it was a bit un-inpressive. Although Tom seemed to enjoy it...

So basically, whilst the rest of us were doing our GCSE's these girls were learning how to fire darts and pop balloons, blow out the candles on a birthday cake, write messages and make origami hats - all without hands. You know what I'm saying.



I was unsure about going, expecting it to be super seedy. But it really wasn't that bad. It was actually a bit boring. Plus the girls who were performing looked uninterested and like they'd rather be elsewhere. I'd like a little more enthusiasm from someone pulling razor blades out of themselves, please.

But we had a laugh and Eve and I did the whole looking-unimpressed-but-secretly-wondering-how-easy-the-tricks-might-be-to-recreate thing that I'm sure all the girls in the audience were doing. Not that any of the guys noticed.

Thai me up

Bangkok. It's nothing like I imagined. To be fair, I've never really sat and imagined what I thought Bangkok would look like, but everyone always goes on about the Koh San road and stuff, so I had an image in my head. It was totally wrong.

We left Siem Reap in a small, rust bucket of a van (think the A-team) which managed to cram 31 people in - and all of their rucksacks. It was extremely hot and uncomfortable. And that was before we got on the pit-holed road that takes you up to the Cambodia/Thailand border. It was the bumpiest, dirtiest, most uncomfortable ride ever. And it went on for hours. Still, crossed the border with no problems, changed buses and then a few hours later rocked up in Bangkok.

It's like LA. Well, it's not really. But coming from under developed Cambodia it is. Really tacky, loads of neon, banging bars, thousands of tourists and crawling with cockroaches. Plus is stinks. I remember someone once saying to me that Bangkok smelt like tramps, and I'm afraid to say it does. It's not nice.

Checked in to a small guesthouse where Eve and I splashed out on a room with air con and then hit Burger King. Wandered about for a bit, down small winding passage ways. Stroke stray cats. Dodged cockroaches. And that was our first night in Bangkok.





After that we didn't do much really. Trawled a market looking for knock off bags for Mrs. Gavs but left empty handed and disappointed. Checked out a huge Buddha where I was asked to cover my shoulders as I was being completely inappropriate (do they not understand that strap marks are completely inappropriate?) And met up with Darren, our friend from London, for a fancy Thai meal which was ace.

But no bags or fake sunnies or Luis Vuitton wallets were bought much to our disappointment. I went to Bangkok and all I got was this lousy fringe.